Session 11
Session 11: Dealing with requests and authority figures
• Split the group into pairs and have them take turns in refusing a request and then making one.
• After they have done this for five minutes, regroup and discuss any difficulties they faced in the exercise.
Why is making a request so hard?
• Low self-worth
Usually, the fundamental difficulty in making a request stems from a lack of self-worth. We don’t think we deserve or have the right to m a k e a request, and think that other people’s time is more valuable than o u r own. Of course, we are worthy and we need to treat ourselves as s u c h.
Refer back to the Bill of Rights (Appendix 12) to justify this s t a n c e.
• Fear of rejection
We may be afraid the person will say no and that we will feel rejected by their refusal. It is important that we keep in mind that if the other person is not abusive, he/she is refusing the request, not rejecting us as a person. We will all have had our share of refusals in life, and we can probably handle another one.
• Need to be in control
Asking for something means that we need help: we realise that we can’t control everything. For some women this is a very threatening thought. Many survivors have suffered from a chaotic and
unpredic ta b le life that is lived in many abusive families, and, as a result, have developed a deep need to control their environment.
However, control is more often imagined than real.
In the light of their new awareness of boundaries, rights and
assertiveness, participants may now be starting to have a different (and better) view of what ‘control’ means. Making requests should enable group members to start to feel stronger and more capable, and thus be able to set boundaries in an appropriate manner and ask for help when needed.
• Fear of using others
Also linked to our sense of self-worth is the fear that, by making requests of others, we are using them. If, however, we are making our request in an honest and open way, we can also accept the fact that the other person has a right to say no. The responsibility of being available to others (or not) belongs to the other person.
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CHAPTER 7: The Power To Change Educational Self-Help Programme
Why is refusing a request so hard?
• We don’t know how to say no in an assertive way
It may be difficult to see a refusal simply as establishing a boundary.
Instead, it may be easier to fall into the trap of feeling guilty, or obliged to comply.
• We feel selfish
It is difficult to refuse a request because we may feel selfish by putting our needs and desires first. Remember that our self-worth should be at least equal to the worth of others.
• Fear of rejection
We are afraid that, if we refuse requests, we are not going to be liked any more. We want people to like us, and our fear of rejection often brings us to do things we would rather not. It is important to bear in mind that people who really care about us will appreciate us for w h o m we are, and will like us even if we set clear boundaries.
• We want to be in control
We want to handle everything, and often think we can do anything and handle all requests. Saying no may make us realise we cannot handle everything that comes our way, even though we like feeling that we can and having people see us that way. We should work on feeling like a valuable human being, even when we say no to certain things.
• It might be dangerous
If we are in a confrontation with someone who is abusive, it may be dangerous to refuse a request as they may become violent. In these circumstances, our fears may be realistic, and we must keep in mind that safety is always the first priority.
Helpful tips for saying NO:
• When you say no, say it clearly and without any detailed explanation.
• You can postpone your decision. If you are unsure of the request, or if you want to say no but do not have the courage, ask for time to think about it. (This is very important to remember!)
• Minimise your apologies – there is nothing to apologise for.
Session 11: Dealing with requests and authority figures
Dealing with authority figures
Dealing with authority figures may be very challenging for women who have experienced domestic abuse, since they are perceived as people in a positi o n of power. It is difficult to be assertive with people such as a boss, lawyer, doctor, social worker, judge, and so on; but it is important to keep in mind that everyone has the same rights to respect, and these authority figures should also respect you.
A technique that may be useful in these situations is the broken record technique, especially when you believe that the authority figure is ignoring your opinion or dismissing your comments. If, however, you feel the authority figure is hostile or abusive, leave as soon as you can. You should never stay in a situation you sense is dangerous.
3. Question time
Allow a small amount of time for any questions relating specifically to this session. Again, state that you will be available for a short time after the session finishes for questions.
4. Closing the session
Encourage finding a ‘personal touch’ for the next session. Ask group members to complete the evaluation form.
Trouble Shooting
• Try to make the session fun when discussing examples or role p l a y s.
• The group may struggle with the exercises. Explain that assertiven e ss takes time and lots of practice, so they need to continue with the different role plays.
• Some of the group may feel they are being rude by being assertive in the role-plays. Ask why they think they are being rude, and go back to discussing boundaries and rights: explain that they have the right to assert their boundaries. It is important to expose the myths about assertiveness not being appropriate for women.
• Stress that the safety of the woman is at all times paramount and remind members of the opportunity for individual sessions.
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CHAPTER 7: The Power To Change Educational Self-Help Programme
Goals of Session 12:
• Build confidence in using assertiveness skills.
• Identify and learn how to overcome the stumbling blocks women may face when being assertive.
• Start dealing with the reality of the course finishing.
1. Begin the session
Start the session as before by recapping the last session and briefly summing up what will be discussed today. Ask the members about their
‘personal touch’.
2. Practicing assertiveness
There are a variety of ways to get the group to work on practicing assertiveness and it is really important to make time for this.
It is imperative to give a word of caution about real-life situations when practicing assertiveness as a group. For example, in being assertive with a verbally abusive boss, one might restore one’s rights but also risk being fired. Being assertive with an abusive partner could be dangerous.
Assertiveness should be used with extreme caution in abusive situations, where the key factors are first of all security and safety.
Exercise 12:
• Split the group into pairs.
• Give each pair one of the following role play situations and ask them to take it in turns to practice the assertiveness techniques they learnt last week.
• After they have done this for approximately 5-10 minutes, regroup and discuss any difficulties they faced in the exercise.
- Your lawyer doesn’t return your calls and you are not informed of your legal situation.
- Your co-worker regularly leaves early and asks you to substitute for him/her. You would like to take turns in leaving early.