Session 10
Session 10: Assertiveness techniques
assertive behaviour. It is important that at some time during the sessions on assertiveness, the group leaders assess levels of anger and talk about feelings again.
In discussing the above example, group members should also consider alternative strategies which Anca could have used, in order to be assertive and achieve the end she wished. This could lead into a more general discussion of techniques for acting assertively. The following can be written on the flip chart and be used as a discussion point:
The Eight Golden Rules of Assertiveness
• Choose your battles carefully. Determine your goals and decide exactly what you want to accomplish or change.
• Talk in the first person, be brief, and choose your wording carefully.
• Don’t expect everyone to like your new boundary setting style.
If they respond angrily and things are not working out as you hoped, drop the issue and leave.
• Try not to raise your voice. Be calm, firm and in control.
• Repeat and rehearse your speech before doing it for real.
• Do not apologise; setting a boundary is always appropriate.
• Repeat your statement if necessary.
• After the exchange, evaluate how you feel, how things went, what you got out of it, if it turned aggressive at any point, and how you could improve your assertiveness techniques for the future.
The following three assertiveness techniques can be very useful. Go through each with the group, giving lots of examples.
The broken record
This technique is very useful when you are setting a boundary and the person you are talking to is not listening or beginning to argue with you.
It is a simple technique in which you make an assertive statement, and if necessary just repeat and repeat and repeat it. The idea is to be repetitive
and unrelenting.
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CHAPTER 7: The Power To Change Educational Self-Help Programme
Example of a successful use of the broken record assertiveness technique:
Raveena was having trouble getting the plumber to come and repair her leaking sink. Every time Raveena called the plumber, he gave her an excuse and told her he would call back to let her know when he could come. Needless to say he never did call or turn up to fix the sink.
After learning the broken record technique, Raveena drove up to his store early in the morning when she knew she would find him and said: “I need to have my sink fixed, please tell me when you can come, or if you can’t come within three days I will find another plumber”. He answered: “Oh, yes, Madam, I was going to call you, I’m almost finished and will come as soon as possible”.
Raveena answered: “Very well, when are you coming?”
Plumber: “Very soon, I promise.”
Raveena: “Very well, when are you coming?”
Plumber: “Listen, Madam, I know you need it fixed, and I’m absolutely sure I can make it sometime between tomorrow and the day after.”
Raveena: “That is progress, but I need to know exactly when you are coming.”
Plumber: “I can’t be that precise because I don’t know when I will finish this work I’m doing.”
Raveena: “You can be very precise, because you can come tomorrow at 8am, and after you have finished your work at my house you can go and finish the other one.”
Plumber: “OK lady, tomorrow at 8.”
Raveena: “I’m going to call you tonight at 5 and tomorrow morning at 7.30, just to make sure you remember.”
Plumber: “You don’t need to, I’ll come.”
Raveena: “Thank you, but I will call. See you tomorrow!”
The ‘I’ message
This technique is best applied when trying to change an unsatisfactory situation. It is not appropriate for making or refusing a request.
Session 10: Assertiveness techniques
Example of the use of the ‘I’ message technique:
Solange is upset because her 28-year-old son Bastien only comes by to leave his dirty clothes and then to pick them up a few days later. To explain how she feels about the situation, and to assert her boundaries, Solange confronts Bastien by saying the following: “I feel upset that you drop in only to leave your dirty clothes and then leave. I feel used. I’d rather meet you for a coffee, or do something together that we both enjoy like seeing a movie or playing tennis. I feel that washing your dirty clothes is not my responsibility since you are a grown adult. If you need to use my washer, maybe we can arrange a time that you can come and use it on your own.”
In this case Solange has identified her feelings (‘I feel upset’), described the situation non-blamefully (‘You leave dirty clothes and then leave’), explained the effect of the behaviour (‘I feel used’), and described the behaviour she would like instead: ‘Do something together/use it [the washer] on your own’).
Exercise 10:
• Hand out blank sheets of paper, and ask the women each to think of a situation in the past where their boundaries were invaded but they did not have the confidence or the techniques to be assertive.
• Participants should write down briefly how they would have liked to respond to that situation, using the four phases of the ‘I message’
technique:
- Identify your feelings.
- Explain the behaviour.
- Explain the effect of the behaviour on you.
- Describe the behaviour you would prefer.
• Ask the women if anyone would like to read their example out to
the group.
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CHAPTER 7: The Power To Change Educational Self-Help Programme
Getting out of a situation that is out of control
The third technique is to get out of a situation that is getting out of control – for example, if the person is getting nasty, offensive, derisive, sarcastic, or aggressive. In this case, closing remarks like the following should be used:
- “This is not working out. Let’s talk when things are calmer.”
- “I have a right to be heard and I have a right to be respected.”
- “I don’t allow anybody to talk to me like that.”
After ending the conversation, quickly walk away or hang up the phone. If the person is really interested in proper and equal communication, they are likely to be more careful in the future. If this does not happen, then it will be evident that they are aiming to maintain power and control, and disregard the rights of others.
3. Question time
Allow a small amount of time for any questions relating specifically to this session. Again, state that you will be available for a short time after the ses-sion finishes for questions.
4. Closing the session
Encourage finding a ‘personal touch’ for the next session in the area of need that has been acknowledged. Ask group members to complete the evaluati on form.
Trouble Shooting
• Try to make the session fun when discussing examples. This way you can show participants that assertiveness can be positive!
• Some members of the group may feel they are being rude when they are assertive. Ask why they think they are being rude, and go back to the discussion of boundaries and rights to show that they have a right to assert their boundaries. It is important to expose the myths about women being assertive.
• Emphasise that extreme caution is necessary before using
assertive techniques in an abusive or potentially abusive situation.
Be sure to talk about safety issues when working on assertiveness, and stress that the safety of the women is at all times paramount.
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Notes
CHAPTER 7: The Power To Change Educational Self-Help Programme
Goals of Session 11:
• Understand why it is difficult to make and refuse requests.
• Learn how to make a request assertively.
• Learn how to refuse a request assertively.
• Understand why authority figures are often problematic for survivors.
• Learn how to deal assertively with authority figures.
1. Begin the session
Start the session as before by recapping the last session and briefly summing up what will be discussed today. Ask the members about their
‘personal touch’.
2. Making and refusing requests
Making and refusing requests can often be very difficult for women, and may be particularly challenging for survivors. You can start this session by working from examples and introducing the issues as they arise from the group discussion.
Exercise 11a:
• On the flip chart, write a few examples of refusing and making requests. The following are some suggestions:
Refusing a request:
- Thank you for the offer, but I won’t be able to come next Friday because I already have other plans.
- Unfortunately I won’t be able to help you with your preparations because I have a commitment with the community centre that day.
Making a request:
- I need to ask you a favour. If you are available, could you please baby-sit my children tomorrow morning from 10.00 to 11.30 because I have a doctor’s appointment that I don’t want to miss?
- Could you please pick up some bread and milk when you go to the shop?