Session 7: Coping with anger
cultures socialise girls and women to be nice, polite and sweet; women are not encouraged to express anger. While an angry boy is seen as fulfilling the masculine stereotype, an angry girl is more harshly reproached; it is seen as unladylike, unbecoming, hysterical, over the top, or melodramatic. At this point it is worthwhile to ask the group about their own experiences of expressing anger as girls and young women.
Survivors’ anger can often be destructive and badly placed; for example, sometimes they may lash out on social workers or supportive friends, rather than confront their abuse, or the shortcomings of the legal system. It is important to find ways of encouraging women to express anger, and help them channel it into constructive solutions.
Exercise 7b:
• Using the Anger Management handout (Appendix 19), discuss ways of dealing with anger-inducing situations.
• Ask the group how they deal with their anger. Do they think these ways are positive?
• Ask them to think of positive ways of dealing with their anger, and write up positive suggestions on the flip chart.
3. Question time
Allow a small amount of time for any questions relating specifically to this session. Again, state that you will be available for a short time after the session finishes for questions.
4. Closing the session
Ask the group to think of their own personal anger-management mantra.
At this point, you should also begin to discuss closure issues. (Please read
Session 12 on this). Ask group members to complete an evaluation form.
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CHAPTER 7: The Power To Change Educational Self-Help Programme
Trouble Shooting
• This programme is not intended as group therapy. For this reason, you should not get drawn into an in-depth discussion of childhood feelings. If this is happening, or if the group is intensely seeking definite answers, you might think about suggesting referral to individual therapy. Some of the people in the group may not know what therapy entails, so you might want to invite a therapist to this session to explain the process briefly. It is very important that any therapist working with survivors has an extensive background on domestic violence and survivor therapy.
• Time is a real factor for this session. It is likely that the women will be talking a lot throughout the whole session, so you might consi d er asking how they feel about shortening or forgoing the break for this session.
• Some women will be scared or unsure about expressing their anger, as – before coming to the support group – they will most likely have suppressed it. Remind the group that this is a safe and non-judgmental place where they will not be reproached for
sharing their feelings.
• Advise the women to avoid confronting their abusive partners/ex-partners about their anger. This session is strictly about how group members can cope with their own anger: one has control only over one’s own feelings and no one else’s.
• In this session, the facilitator should stress the need for extreme caution in expressing anger with an abusive partner or ex-partner.
Emphasise that the safety of the woman is at all times paramount.
As before, if any woman wants to discuss her personal situation, arrange a one-to-one session to go through her safety plan and carry out another risk assessment.
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Notes
CHAPTER 7: The Power To Change Educational Self-Help Programme
Goals of Sessions 8 and 9:
• Gain a group definition of assertiveness.
• Examine why women, in particular, can find it hard to be assertive.
• Discuss the ‘Bill of Rights’ (Appendix 12) in relation to assertiven e s s, and understand how these work together.
• Differentiate between assertiveness and aggression.
• Understand how to maintain safety while being assertive.
1. Beginning the sessions
The next five sessions on various aspects of assertiveness (8–12 inclusive) need to be developed consequentially. It is important to strike the right balance between theory, discussion, group support and practice; for this reason the next two sessions will be presented together, and it is for you to decide when to end one session and start the next.
Recap what was covered in the last session, and sum up briefly what will be discussed in this session and in the next few sessions.
2. Assertiveness skills and boundary setting
Exercise 8/9a:
• Ask the participants to share what comes to mind when you say the word assertiveness.
• Write up all answers on the flip chart for discussion.
• Using the flip chart, ask the group to think of one definition of assertiveness.
Sometimes negative comments result from the above exercise. Often assertiveness is identified with aggression, and may consequently be considered particularly negative when displayed by women; images of the whore, the witch, and the bitch all feed on the idea of hysterical, angry, aggressive females, who are crazy and unpredictable. Not surprisingly, women may be afraid of exploring assertiveness if they believe it to be associated with such images. They may also be concerned that, by setting boundaries, they may lose friends and relatives.