Sessions 8 and 9
Sessions 8 and 9: Assertiveness skills and boundary setting
It is important to discuss how changing one’s behaviour and re-establishing boundaries may lead to conflict and tension in some relationships; but by demanding self-respect and the respect of others, one can gain a better understanding of those who are real friends and those who are not. If setting positive boundaries leads to the loss of a few relationships, it may be for the better in the long run. Assertive behaviour is never aggressive and is always respectful of others. The group needs to define assertiveness as opposed to aggressiveness, and realise how being assertive stems from self-respect and respect for others.
Exercise 8/9b:
It is important when discussing assertiveness to go back to the ‘Bill of rights’
(Appendix 12) and show how these rights are the basic bricks with which you build boundaries, and how you can protect them with assertiveness
techni q u e s.
• Ask the group to spend approximately 5 minutes completing the handout, ‘Assessing levels of assertiveness’ (Appendix 20).
• As a group, discuss which issues the women find the hardest to deal with assertively, and ask them to explain why.
• Connect each issue with a corresponding right from the Bill of rights.
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CHAPTER 7: The Power To Change Educational Self-Help Programme
3. Question time
Allow a small amount of time for any questions relating specifically to
this session. Again, state that you will be available for a short time after the session finishes for questions.
4. Closing the session
Encourage finding a ‘personal touch’ for the next session. Ask group members to complete the evaluation form.
Comparing assertive and aggressive behaviour Assertiveness
You express your needs, wants and feelings without trespassing the rights of others.
You are honest, sincere and direct.
Why the need to be assertive?
To set boundaries.
To request and obtain respect from others.
To keep your self-esteem and a feeling of empowerment.
To create honest, healthy relation-ships.
What do you get?
You gain respect and feel proud and in control of your life.
You choose the people that support you from among the ones that respect your boundaries.
You learn to protect yourself from abuse.
Aggressiveness
You express your feelings and needs at the expense of others.
You violate the rights of others and try to dominate.
Why be aggressive?
You are angry and you want to achieve your goal.
You are not interested in other peo-ple’s feelings.
What do you get?
You still feel angry, guilty and hungry for control.
You are abusive to others, and can become violent.
You end up destroying relationships.
Sessions 8 and 9: Assertiveness skills and boundary setting
Trouble Shooting
• Survivors are very familiar with aggressive behaviour, and the combination of aggressive patterns and anger may result in a lot of difficulty in understanding assertiveness, and its distinction from aggressiveness. The concepts can often be confusing, so you shou l d leave enough time to discuss what each means. It is import a nt to give a lot of examples, based on women’s own
experiences, and reassert the ways in which aggressive behaviour differs from assertiveness.
• Extreme caution must be expressed in this session about being assertive in abusive situations. Be sure to emphasise safety issues when working on assertiveness, and stress that the safety of the women is at all times paramount. Re-emphasise the opportunity for women to arrange one-to-one sessions if they want to discuss their personal situation.
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CHAPTER 7: The Power To Change Educational Self-Help Programme
Goals of Session 10:
• Gain a better understanding of assertiveness.
• Learn practical ways of being assertive.
• Gain more confidence in being assertive.
• Realise the difference between assertiveness and aggression.
1. Begin the session
The next session follows on from the previous two and looks in more detail at various aspects of assertiveness. Sum up briefly what has been covered s o far, and what will be discussed in this session and in the next few sessions.
2. Assertiveness techniques
It is important at this stage to work out what assertiveness techniques could be used in different situations, by using practical examples. (As pointe d out above, women often find it difficult at the beginning to understand the
difference between aggressiveness and assertiveness, and the examples will help here.)
Example of an unsuccessful attempt to be assertive:
After the first session on assertive behaviour, Anca proudly reported to the group her behaviour with the ticket man at the train station. When he decided to close the service in front of her, even when she had already queued and risked missing her train, she started yelling at the top of her lungs that he was a lazy public servant, that he should be ashamed of himself and that she wished him every possible ill. The result was that he insulted her, closed the teller, and she missed her train by continuing to shout at him well after he had left.
Very often when working on assertiveness, as women start setting bounda r i es, issues of anger arise and should be dealt with effectively. It is important to review the topic of anger as well as aggressiveness when dealing with assertiveness because sometimes, when survivors start using assertiveness skills, they realise how much abuse they have experienced in their lives. This may lead to overwhelming feelings of anger that may heavily interfere with