CONFLICT AND CONFLICT-SOLVING

4.7. CONFLICT AND CONFLICT-SOLVING

Most women come to the group to find help and support, and they are also willing to offer support to others. There are, however, some individuals who may unintentionally hinder the learning and development of other group members. The facilitator needs to be prepared to deal with group members who may impede the potential growth of others.

Is there a real conflict or just a misunderstanding?

Firstly, the facilitator should find out if there is real conflict and dissension, or if it is just a misunderstanding. Reflective feedback, I-messages and other tools of communication can be helpful for this purpose. Survivors of domestic violence may sometimes believe that there is always someone to blame in cases of conflict (in their partnership, they are usually the ones who are told “it’s your fault”). Therefore women may start defending themselves even before they have been criticised, if they believe that someone in the group is against them. In such cases, role-play can be a good tool for helping to find out the truth of the situation.

Example:

Emily described how frightened her children are every time after they meet their father who lives separately.

Jackie: “Poor children! It would be probably better for them if they did not meet him at all.”

Emily: “Are you accusing me of not protecting my children? You don’t know anything about me and my children.”

The facilitator asked Jackie to say in other words what she had heard, and Emily to say in other words what she wanted to say. Emily saw that Jackie’s comment was actually well meant and not accusing.

It is important to note that some seemingly similar problems might have different solutio ns.

Therefore one cannot just ‘copy and paste’ a successful solution of another woman into one’s own life; usually it needs at least some modifications to fit into the given frame of reference.

Possible conflict management strategies

The best way to deal with a conflict is to act before it even starts, i.e. prevent it happening at all. However, if a conflict has already occurred, these are the main principles to follow:

• Define the problem.

• Consider alternative solutions to the problem.

• Make a choice as to the best way forward.

• Take action.

CHAPTER 4: Group policies and protocols

Conflict management strategies include the following:

a) Constructive decision-making

If there is an issue that concerns the whole group, decision-making that involves all members in a discussion on the problem, in order to come up with a consensus, can have an empowering effect for all participants. If handled well, this approach leads to

‘win-win’ solutions; every group member feels that her voice is important and respec t e d.

b) Focus on the problem, not the person

In cases of conflict people tend to take sides, making it essential that you separate persons from problems. Such a non-blaming approach should be taken in all conflict situations. However, one should also be careful if the solution to a conflict comes too quickly; it may be that some of the group members did not express their real thoughts or feelings.

c) Sending ‘I’ messages

An ‘I’ message allows someone who is affected by the behaviour of another to express to that person how she is affected by the behaviour. The responsibility of changing the behaviour then lies with the individual who demonstrated the behaviour. ‘I’ messages help to build relationships between group members because they do not place blame.

‘I’ messages can be formulated in the following ways:

• “I hear what you’re saying, but I don’t fully understand the meaning.”

• “I appreciate your concern for the situation and I understand your opinion, but I see the situation a bit differently.”

• “I understand that you mean well, but I feel that you’re not really listening to what I’m saying about my own experiences.”

d) Reflective feedback

Good communication skills require that people demonstrate in two ways that they are listening: nonverbally, with their body language, and verbally, by repeating in their own words what they thought they heard another person say. This repetition is called reflective feedback.

What is positive about a conflict?

A conflict can be positive in the sense that its resolution requires those involved to listen and think about the opinions of others. It shows women that there are peaceful ways to solve conflicts. After solving a conflict or misunderstanding it may be useful to refer to this positive side of conflict. Conflict is sometimes an expression of hidden anger or tension that a person feels towards another (often not a group member; for example it could be a husband, colleague, or family member) or a situation. Discussion helps the women to understand their feelings and reactions better, and cope with them constructively.

Bibliography

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Many survivors are used to fearing conflict or misunderstandings because, according to their experience, they may lead to violence. Solving disputes in a non-violent way shows that there is no fundamental causality between conflict and violence.

Survivors said they gained the following from attending a support group:

I thought that I'm the only fool leading such a miserable life. I learned that I don't need to blame myself and that I'm not the only one.

I have learned that I have taken over many things from the relationship of my parents. Now I see that I don't need to repeat their faults.

BIBLIOGRAPHY

EngenderHealth (2007) Reaching Men to End Gender Based Violence and Promote HIV/STI Prevention.

Available at: http://www.engenderhealth.org/ia/wwm/pdf/map-sa.pdf Hampton, Jerry (2006) Group dynamics and community building.

Available at: http://www.community4me.com/faq_smallgrp.html

Myaskovsky, et al. (2005) Effects of gender diversity on performance and interpersonal behaviour in small work groups.

Available at: http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m2294/is_9-10_52/ai_n15341182 Roberts, Marc (1982) Managing Conflict from the Inside Out.

(San Diego, CA: Pfeiffer & Company)

Women’s Resource Centre (2007) Why women only?(London: Women’s Resource Centre). Available at: http://www.wrc.org.uk/downloads/Policystuff/whywomenonly.pdf