CHAPTER 6: The Power To Change Self-Esteem Programme
Sessions 9 and 10: Boundaries
Exercise 9/10a:
This visual exercise is helpful in explaining boundaries.
• Using differently coloured or patterned paper plates, ask a
participant to demonstrate the current state of the boundaries wit h i n her life (see below). She can do this by labelling each plate with a different part of her life. For example, she is the striped plate, black check stands for co-workers, white for children, white spots for frien ds, black spots for parents, white check for siblings, black for partner/ex-partner.
• Ask the participant to place her plate in the middle, and arrange the others around it to reflect how her boundaries currently stand.
• The plates will probably look a lot like the second figure; the other plates are smothering the striped plate. Put the plates into some-thing like the first figure and explain why these are healthier
boundaries; they are allowing the striped plate more space to th ri v e.
Once the concept of boundaries is clearer, make sure you give practical examples of how the women can start working on achieving healthy boundaries. These could include:
• understanding your rights;
• increasing self-esteem;
• being in touch with feelings and needs;
• deciding where to set boundaries on the basis of rights and needs;
• developing assertiveness techniques to keep boundaries in place;
• understanding your patterns of control and learning to let go;
• developing equal mature relationships;
• gradually developing trust in self and others.
Sessions 9 and 10
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CHAPTER 6: The Power To Change Self-Esteem Programme
It is also important to introduce the idea that a price may have to be paid for setting clear boundaries. Participants should be encouraged to evaluate the consequences of certain choices, and to choose their battles very carefully.
The group should also be encouraged to strategise as to the outcome they wish to obtain.
You might like to suggest to the group that if they are thinking about changi ng some boundaries in their lives, they discuss the initial phases with each other within the group setting to get some feedback before trying them out.
Exercise 9/10b:
Using Appendix 17 on ‘Setting boundaries’, ask the women to read the exam ples and give their opinions on the situations. Ask the following questions:
• What do they think Olenka should have done in Example 1?
Do they find it hard to assert their boundaries in the workplace?
• Can they relate to Sarah’s position in Example 2? How do they feel about their own boundaries with their children or their parents?
How could these improve?
• In Example 3, do they agree with Rozsa’s decision to confront Hajna? Would they have done a similar thing if they were in that position? Do they think the confrontation and Hajna’s initial sadness were worth it?
• Ask the women if they have experienced anything similar to these examples. How do they feel about asserting boundaries? Do they find it harder in some situations compared to others; (e.g. at home, with friends or in the workplace)?
• Can they see connections between a lack of healthy boundaries, and abusive relationships?
Control is another central issue that must be discussed with the participants at this point. As women learn to set boundaries and gain more control over their life, they must also analyse their belief system linked to control. Power and control are central issues in abusive situations, so changing the belief system on control is a complex matter. It is very important that a clear divide is made on what we think we can control as opposed to what we can really control; the women should recognise what we have and do not have a right to control. The only real control we have a right to exert is over ourselves – our goals, our choices, our decisions, our responsibilities, and our actions.
Sessions 9 and 10: Boundaries
The importance of clear communication, recognising and avoiding abusive language, and strategies for dealing with conflict, should – as before – be emphasised.
3. Question time
Allow a small amount of time for any questions relating specifically to this session. Again, state that you will be available for a short time after the session finishes for questions.
4. Closing the session
You should end the session with a brief discussion of the emotions women may experience when dealing with conflict; for example anger, guilt, fear, etc. This will provide a good introduction to the next session. Discuss the
‘personal touch’ for the week ahead. Ask group members to complete the evaluation form.
Trouble Shooting
• It is crucial that women's safety is discussed within this session.
State that although asserting boundaries is positive, it is important to practice in safe situations – such as in the support group. If any woman feels she would like to start asserting boundaries with an abusive partner or ex-partner, arrange a one-to-one session as soon as possible to go through her individual support plan, and carry out more risk assessment. It is never a good idea to practice asserting boundaries on an abusive partner or ex-partner.
• Be a good role model with regards to setting boundaries within the group, and be consistent.
• Make sure you discuss a wide range of possible boundary conflicts and encourage a variety of different examples: do not just stick to one issue. It is better to explore different areas of life and highlight the possible conflicts that can arise in any of them.
Sessions 9 and 10
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Goals of Sessions 11 and 12:
• Acknowledge and start to understand feelings of anger, grief, fear and guilt.
• Learn to manage these emotions constructively.
• Learn practical ways of coping with anxiety.
• Understand how to overcome the cycle of shame.
• Realise that anger is a natural emotion, and in the right circum-stances can be channelled into positive use.
• Understand the potential danger in unresolved and/or misplaced anger.
1. Begin the session
The next two sessions will be presented together. It is for you to decide when to end one session and start the next, but we suggest that in session 11, the group discusses feelings of pain, guilt, grief and fear. Session 12 can then be used to focus wholly on anger. In our experience, discussing anger is very important for women that have experienced domestic violence, and you will need enough time to explore the issue in depth.
Start the session by recapping the last session. Sum up briefly what will be discussed in each of the following two sessions. Ask members about their
‘personal touch’.
2. Boundaries and emotions a) Grief
It is important to discuss the feelings of grief, sorrow and pain that are often experienced when abusive relationships come to an end. Ending relationsh i ps is always painful. Women will face the failure of an important personal
commitment, and must mourn the end of a relationship in which – despite the problems – there are likely to have been deep ties. At the outset of the relationship, women will have hoped for trust, companionship, love and physical intimacy. The perpetrator may also often be the father of the
woman’s children. The woman may have overwhelming feelings of loss and solitude when she leaves, or considers leaving, her abuser. Far from feeling relieved by ending the abuse, some women may experience waves of pain coming to the surface.