Session 12: Practicing assertiveness
- Your sister often leaves her children with you when she goes shopping, but every time you ask her to look after your children, she always has some reason why she can’t.
- Your non-abusive boyfriend is in the habit of coming home from work, taking a shower, and then sitting at the computer, always saying he needs some ‘down time’ after work. You feel that when you get home it would be nice to eat dinner first and then relax to-gether afterwards. You need to work out a compromise solution that will suit both of you.
- Your 17 year-old son comes home from his soccer training and leaves his dirty clothes in the bag for you to wash and get ready for the next training. You think it’s time he took some responsibility for his personal activities.
- You have always been expected to prepare meals and do the dishes for your family and would like to renegotiate the household responsibilities.
- Your mother always expects you to call her at 8.30 every evening, but it is not always convenient for you to do so.
- One of your co-workers expects you to take care of a tedious job that is not in your job description but is in his/hers. You have alwa y s done it, but now want your co-worker to take over this responsibilit y.
3. Dealing with closure issues
Another topic that should be dealt with in these sessions is the forthcoming ending of the group sessions. At this point, the group is likely to have beco m e a really important part of the women’s lives. Through sharing their personal experiences, the participants realise – often for the first time in their lives – that experiences of abuse are common to many other nice, intelligent and capable women. This knowledge helps lessen the feelings of isolation and guilt that the perpetrator has often deliberately instilled in them. The group experience is often the first time that the women have been able to see the effects of violence on other women and children, thus creating empathy towards other survivors, but also toward themselves. They are also able to see the value of other women, and feel anger at their unjust treatment.
Sometimes the issues of dependency that are so prevalent in abusive relat i o n-ships are transferred to the group; therefore, at this stage, it is important to start dealing with the way the women feel about the group experience drawing to an end. Usually, they find it a very sad and depressing thought, and you need time to work through this “mourning” as a group, so that the feelings of depression can be contained when the end arrives. This will give
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CHAPTER 7: The Power To Change Educational Self-Help Programme
the group members some time to think of how they would like to close the group; for example, perhaps by having a party, or a meal to which each member brings food and drink.
4. Question time
Allow a small amount of time for any questions relating specifically to this session. Again, state that you will be available for a short time after the session finishes for questions.
5. Closing the session
Encourage finding a ‘personal touch’ for the next session in the area of need that has been acknowledged. Ask group members to complete the evaluati o n form.
Trouble Shooting
• Time is likely to be an issue in this session. Make sure there is pl e n ty of time for practicing assertiveness techniques with a variety of different role plays. By now the group should be gaining
confide n ce and will therefore become increasingly verbal. Allow extra time for this growth, but try to keep to the session format.
• Extreme caution must be expressed in this session about being assertive in an abusive situation. Do talk about safety issues when working on assertiveness. Stress that the safety of the women is at all times paramount. Explain that, in their day-to-day lives, women should take things slowly and allow enough time to adapt to these big changes on which they are embarking. It is always important to think through the consequences of change.
• If the women are sad about the course coming to an end, make sure you stress the positives that come with closure. It will be sad, but it will also be exciting. Suggest that it is an opportunity to use the practical techniques they have learnt to deal with sadness, and to focus on the positive aspects of their lives.
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Notes
CHAPTER 7: The Power To Change Educational Self-Help Programme
Goals of Session 13:
• Identify the differences between healthy and unhealthy relations h i p s.
• Gain an understanding of the often unrealistic expectations of stereotypical representations of romantic love.
• Distinguish when conflict is healthy from when it is unhealthy.
1. Begin the session
Start the session as before by recapping the last session and briefly summing up what will be discussed today. Ask the members about their
‘personal touch’.
2. Healthy relationships
Exercise 13a:
Start a discussion on love: ask group participants to define true love. Write their answers on the flip chart. There will probably be a mix of answers, but single out ideas like the following for further discussion:
• two becoming one;
• finding a soul mate;
• love at first sight;
• finding one’s other half;
• feeling whole, complete.
All the definitions of true love listed above are seen as romantic, yet they can be damaging as they imply that people are incomplete as individuals and essentially lacking until they find another person with whom to merge.
Suggest to the group that if ‘two becomes one’, it is likely that one personali ty dominates the other. Instead of this, ask the women what they think of a relationship not as one entity, but as three. Within a relationship, there are t w o autonomous individuals with their own, but probably similar, interests and beliefs, and then there is the third entity, the couple. By having a third entity, the individuals do not need to be dominant or subordinate as there is freed o m to be oneself. This ‘couple’ is not merely a concept; it can make decisions or have ideas that don’t exist in the singular individual; for example, the separa t e